Fear dressed as Quarter-life crisis

20-thriving, 20-favorite, 20-forever young, 20-wow, 20-oh no I am growing old, 20-fuck I can not find a job, 20-broken relationship, 20-heartbreaks, 20-reality check, 20-fine, 20-when are you giving me grand kids, 20-when are you getting married, 20-paying your own bills, 20-waking up everyday to put up with annoying workmates, 20-FEARFUL.

Very many young adults between the ages of 20-30 spend a large chunk of their lives feeling anxious and under pressure due to money, appearance and career related worries as well as fears about the future. This makes this age the most vulnerable to depression because some feel they have no one to talk to about their concerns, leaving them to face their fears alone.

The unavoidable comparisons with their mentors when they were still their age. Some of their age-mates have made it already so they feel disappointed in themselves. At this age, you are trying to balance the curve of what family, friends & society expect from you and what you expect from yourself. Close to 75% of young adults go through;

Fear of Failure

Afraid of taking risks and chances in pursuit of what you love because you are afraid of failing at it. This kind of fear is a major set back for talent, creativity & innovation, happiness or even change. This is stopping you from being the best version of yourself and is keeping you under the umbrella of “I guess we will never know.” Sad!

How about we embrace the “at least I tried mindset”? The greatest risk you can ever take is not taking the risk at all. We are young and we’re meant to explore our world. So, if you’ve tried once, try again. If you’ve never tried, then try now. We only know how to deal with failure if we fail. But wait a minute, what if you actually try and succeed? Huh!

Old people in their latest years of life regret what they never attempted to do at a younger age more than what they did wrong. They are are living with unanswered questions of “what if, what would have, if only I had…” because they were too scared to take on the risk. Tap into those fears, go forth and exhaust your potential. It is part of the plan.

Fear of belonging

Aka FOMO (Fear of Missing Out), a type of fear often experienced by people with low self esteem. They try to go out of their way to please others so as to fit in social circles and build their confidence. We can not blame you for trying but keep reminded that it’s is not as necessary as you think. Work on yourself and the right circle will draw itself.

Reminds me of the “young-ins” on twitter who tweet a lot about sex (most of which they hardly understand) because it draws attention and following. So scared of being irrelevant that you go out of your way to attract a crowd of people who in real life are just on vibes. They are not even your friends. Pathetic! isn’t it?

Direct all that clout chasing effort to building an attractive brand for yourself. Learn more, take your time and understand your ambitions – then go ahead and execute them one by one. TRUST THE PROCESS!

Fear of the Future

Guilty as accused! The uncertainties that come with thoughts of the future are quite tense and very unavoidable. Growing up, we all had aspirations to become doctors, lawyers, pilots etc until the difficulties of reality set in and we lost the zeal to keep going. Look at us, all grown up and trying to do whatever there is for survival.

All over social media everyone is ranting about how their resolutions for this year have gone down the drain. Even those that had not started on them are using it as a scapegoat. The future looks very uncertain especially in regards to the economy. That means more tension for young adults; new at the job so you have been laid off, supposed to finish that degree and get the promised job but now that’s not possible, you were mid-way your mental health journey and now your anxiety is back to 100, you had just graduated and in search of a job, then boom all the offices are closed. You are not an “essential worker”.

Drop the deceptive notion that life will unfold easily and as you planned.
It is very important to understand that life has never been easy. We experience challenges at different points in our lives and these challenges come to build us and make us mature in faith and in strength. Much to say that it is okay to fear but it is not okay to let fear limit your exploration and zeal to pursue your goals. Stay put.

Fear of loneliness and thirst for intimacy

At this age many of us are afraid of being alone and desire intimacy and relationships .We yearn to be loved even when we can not love ourselves. And honestly, that is where we go wrong. We are too thirsty for love but are we ready for the price of the quench? This leaves many frog jumping from one relationship to another in search of soap opera love and afraid to be alone. Welcome to reality! A generation of heart broken young bitter adults. Not forgetting the pressure from the relatives, ”when are we seeing our in-law?” That is a whole other chapter of stress and anxiety of its own.

You are feeling lonely because even “you don’t got you!” If you loved yourself enough, you’d be able to see beyond those flaws and imperfections that weigh you down. Self-love gives you immunity against the need for approval because it helps you understand your worth.
It lifts your confidence as a young person and you are be able to build right and awesome relationships given that your personality and actions are not corrupted but rather from your inner self.

Fear of societal backlash

First of all, I’ll start by saying that this is very harmful to you, your goals and your mental health. Most times, we end up doing things that do not make us happy because we are scared of backlash from whoever it may concern. Depressed people will not speak up because they are scared of being called dramatic. Rape victims are scared of seeking justice because they’ll ask for evidence and backlash from rape apologists. You are not doing fashion, art or design because society affiliates such with not being serious with life. So how is your worry (about what people will say) helping you?

Occasionally, fear bleeds from misplaced trust. We put our trust so much on people, our circumstances, our dreams or ambitions and we idolize our society even more than we do with God. Taking that leap of faith and doing what you feel is your calling can go a very long way. Anything done with love, faith and self belief is bound to work out right regardless of when, how and what anyone else has to say about it. Speak up about things that are not going right with you. Do not let your fear downplay your rights.

Fear of taking the high road

You can choose to do it the easy way or the hard way. Life is a very big paradox, you can live your life right and still not make it while your “reckless friends” just thrive through effortlessly. Imagine not living your best life because you are playing the good cop card and in the end, the bad cops are the ones winning. Tragic! Reading all those books and earning that degree on merit only for your job to be taken by a Minister’s kid who has connections. Takes us back to the discussion of CGPA versus connections – story for another day.

Remember to take off time and work on self development, learn new skills that will give you added advantage over others. Do things with an aim of becoming the best version of yourself. You will be surprised by how far your effort can take you.

Hopefully by the time mid-life crisis sets in, you will be ready to take on the bet.

To Pull The Trigger Or To Ease Your Finger?

Growing up, I kept wondering why someone would take their own life. Patients on life support, struggling to have a glance at the next sun rise, laying motionless on those gatch beds with the faintest heart beat beneath their chest. BUT outside the confines of a hospital ,a fully alive body decides that they are better off lifeless. Ironic right!!!! They have lost all their sense of self preservation . Well that was me growing up ….now all fully grown and close to mature, I still do not get it but I surely do understand what it means to have death cravings (been there done that). It is rocky out here.

Besides the pervasive claims in society, suicide attempts are not a way of looking for attention or a sign of weakness. Those who are most likely to take lethal action on their suicidal thoughts are those who have a fearlessness of death. I takes utmost bravery to take your own life. If anything, these are the strongest beings there is on earth. The following are the three main contributing factors for acquired capacity to exist.

For some, fearlessness and courage is learned gradually given the many violent experiences surrounding events of life and death. With exposure to ruthlessness, torture, painful and tempting situations, grows acquaintance and intrepidity. These range from physical and sexual abuse,battling addictions (drugs and alcohol being the leads statistically), prolonged illnesses or even recurrent suicidal triggers.

Other people are born with a risk-taking personality. They seemingly, are a heroic species. For example; sky divers, fire fighter, military, naval forece or the army,car and bike racers. I am not saying that these people are suicidal, but should the desire arise; they will most likely embrace it with fear of pain out of the way.

The most sad and unfortunate suicides are usually caused by access to lethal weapons. Like I earlier said, suicide is very impulsive and access to weapons like guns, pills, drugs gives a suicidal human options to what method to use.

A SNEAK PEEK INTO WHAT “PROBABLY” GOES ON IN A SUICIDAL MIND

It’s dark, stuffy and untidy in here …I cannot find my way out!

Suicide is an enigma that challenges most people on different levels. One of the biggest aspects of the challenge is that we can never ask the person who died, “Why?” We can only infer from notes left behind, snippets of last conversations, and changes in behavior. Most people who kill themselves believe that suicide is the only solution to their unbearable situation.

Experts in suicide study minted the term “psychache” to describe the excruciating psychological pain that suicidal people experience, which often blocks the ability to see other potential solutions to problems and stimulates their impulsivity. Psychache torments individuals who often do not want to die; they just cannot escape. Even though a pervasive sense of hopelessness stifles the ability for many to seek help, most suicidal people are very inconclusive about taking their lives. This situation is more like being trapped in a dark room with rays of light streaming through the holes on the roof. There is light but it is still dark and metaphorically the darkness can be symbolic of fear and forlorn.

Those who desire suicide often believe that they have become such a burden on others, everyone will be better off if they are not around. Normally termed as perceived burdensome. In other words, in the mind of the suicidal person, they are practicing ultimate selflessness. I have been here various times so I can boldly say this feeling sucks. The feeling of being the one to always ask for help, losing friendship because you are not bringing much to the table, lagging your friends behind because nothing good seems to come your way. Impotence ( I am talking physical, financial, emotional, spiritual and psychological) exposes one to vulnerability and feelings of being dead weight to friends and family. When we combine this emotionally painful experience of being a burden with isolation, suicidal despair often kicks in.

LESS

The prior leads to the latter , the second common factor in the desire to die is a social disconnection to something larger than oneself (thwarted belongingness). As humans, we are hardwired to be in a relationship with others. For some people, this means just a couple of very intense relationships; for others, it means vast social networks.

When people lose key relationships with partners, children, colleagues, and friends through death, divorce, separation, moves, layoffs or conflict, they can experience profound distress that can lead to a desire to die. Marked social withdrawal is not volatile shyness. Rather, it’s a marked change: the person used to be engaged with friends and family, and now they withdraw into a bedroom or into their own head, and what you see is what Dr. Joiner calls “an inward gaze of bemused resignation and resolution.”

Likewise, people who contemplate suicide are trying to escape some type of peril in their own lives or unbelievable pain in their souls. It is beyond explainable for them too. What they are going through can not be explained in an essay ‘not even a book because the path is not straight. It is not a story with a beginning and an end. It is a puzzle comprised of some sudoku, a little crossword, jigsaw and many snakes & ladders. Like a full death exam with Section A, B and an extra C whose classes you missed. Very many motivational quotes encourage people not to lose themselves in whatever they do because once the war is between you and yourself, the maze ends in a death trap. It’s like a shadow hunt, you can only slay it by slaying the body.

…….suicide is an “inward gaze of bemused resignation and resolution” ……..

anitahkanya@gmail.com.

NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER .

In 1914, Sigmund Freud asserted that all human infants pass through a stage of “primary narcissism,” a primitive self-centered frame of mind in which they cannot understand that other people are fully separate beings. This stage, Freud said, was just a stop on the road to a normal, healthy adulthood. By contrast, Freud believed that narcissistic adult personalities were caused by an exaggeration of healthy narcissism. One of Freud’s successors, Karen Horney, believed that these narcissistic personalities could be caused by a particular parenting style: “if parents excessively overvalued or undervalued their children, she said, they would then grow up perpetually craving abnormal amounts of praise or validation. “Another, more recent theorist, Otto Kernberg, sees adult narcissism as a kind of false front, or a way of protecting oneself. He said that people with narcissistic personalities derive the validation they need from themselves as much as from others, propping themselves up artificially, which leaves them with no effective way to internally support their own self-esteem.

WHAT IS NPD ?

It is a personality disorder (I prefer to call it a vice because it is not a mental illness ) characterized by a long-term pattern of abnormal behavior with traits of excessive self admiration and absorption which,in the long run , can decimate ones sense of modesty . Narcissism is one of those traits that appears to be programmed into a person’s behavioral system after birth, not before.

It’s one of those byproducts of consistent pre-verbal interactions that can shape our adult lives,in regards to current study . This is why I emphasize on narcissism not being a disorder but rather a vice when over stretched towards the negative. There is healthy narcissism that is correlated with building a person’s self esteem in their transition from childhood to adulthood.Although , in extremity ,it tackles bits of selfishness and righteousness breeding hunger for superiority and a superego that is quite unhealthy. Freud termed it as ,”exaggerated healthy narcissism .”

Narcissists think that they deserve to be with other people who are special, and that special people are the only ones who can appreciate them fully. They only relate with people who make their image look better and superior .This therefore means that if their significant other does not make them look good they’ll definitely ditch the relationship or even the friendship. They are all about looking angelic in a world of humans. This does not necessarily mean that they are actually angels on the inside. Narcissists will pretend to be nice,tell lies,cry or do anything in their power to prove righteousness. That’s how extreme their urge for praise and importance goes.

It often breeds into selfishness (usually extreme) at the expense of others and a total lack of modesty and empathy. Research has broken this condition down to a few major characteristics :

  • grandiose sense of self-importance
  • preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
  • belief they’re special and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people or institutions
  • need for excessive admiration
  • sense of entitlement
  • interpersonally exploitative behavior
  • lack of empathy
  • envy of others or a belief that others are envious of them
  • demonstration of arrogant and haughty behavior or attitude

Like I earlier explained , narcissism is a normal stage on the adulting cycle unless it hits extremes /oddity and grows into a disorder or vice. Below are the types of narcissism categorized and explained :

NORMAL ADULT NARCISSISM

Individuals who present normal adult narcissism have an inner voice which tells them they are good enough. With this basis, individuals can be active and effective players in their lives, and have a stable moral system while expressing innate drives such as aggression and sexuality in acceptable ways. This still roots back to a balancing praise and criticism during parenting which trains the child how to manage highs and lows without feeling worthless or overly superior. This kind of narcissism breaks vulnerability to criticism and keeps ones self esteem in check hence a balance between one’s self and ideal self .

NORMAL INFANTILE NARCISSISM

As children develop, their objects relations and self awareness are not yet fully integrated. Therefore, their regulation of self- esteem is partly focused at external gratification. In order to feel good about themselves, they need others to admire them or their possessions. We all have gone through that stage as children ,where all we needed was assurance from parents ,teachers , friends and may be mentors that we were doing quite well. This is all part of the journey to building self belief.However, at an early stage of development, this type of behavior is appropriate.

REGRESSION TO INFATILE NARCISSISM

This is a pathological form of narcissism Personality disorder in which the superego has remained infantile, and thus maintained childish values and idea. This is usually termed as the “mama’s boy” or “mama’s girl” and at some point these people are termed as spoilt kids . Such beings feed on praise just like babies , to be happy . They have totally failed to adapt to the adult way of balancing the real self and ideal self . More like a juvenile pause in the narcissism cycle of development (stagnated at the “larva” stage in the healthy object relations flow) .

NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER

This is the classic narcissistic pathology[2]. These individuals present aberration in self-love, expression of love to others, and a deviant moral system and superego. Self- love refers to characteristic self absorbance. They are over the top, and fantasize about excessive success in love, beauty, happiness, and influence. However, their self-love is excessively unstable and relies exclusively on praise and admiration from others. This category of people’s mental health depends on feeding their superego with approval and being celebrated by everyone else.

When the environment does not respond as expected, or when they perceive an inability to achieve their grandiose aspirations, they come crashing downwards with intense feelings of worthlessness, depression, and extreme anger. Relationships are usually functional in nature, as they are necessary for regulating the narcissists’ self-esteem. When they perceive that others have achieved or own something that they haven’t, they present extreme envy and work toward destroying the object or achievement of the other by devaluation. They have a tendency to take advantage of others in order to feel superior. This precludes the ability to form stable and long lasting relationships.

Reference

  • Kernberg, O. F. (1985). Borderline conditions and pathological narcissism. Rowman & Littlefield.
  • Kernberg, O. F. (1993). Severe personality disorders: Psychotherapeutic strategies. Yale University Press.

From my findings , narcissism can not be traced by mere conversation with the other party or your partner. It is therefore advisable to seek therapeutic help and advice before drawing conclusions and judgement. There is no prescription to reduce this disorder(read as vice) but a willingness to change and adopt healthy objective relations practices .

The term “object relations” refers to the dynamic internalized relationships between the self and significant others (objects). An object relation involves mental representations of:

  1. The object as perceived by the self
  2. The self in relation to the object
  3. The relationship between self and object

This slowly creates an understanding of one’s surroundings and how to counteract when faced with different situations.With consistency, the narcissist develops better ways of balancing ego and empathy which betters their self esteem and curbs down vulnerability to criticism,disappointment,failure to dominate the superiority scene.

It is common knowledge that narcissists are not ready to drop their ways and hop on the therapeutic journey of becoming better. This is so usually because most do not admit that they are ,while others are willing to go through the pain of change having accepted that their conduct could be lacking .

It is not easy for them to admit their flaws, deal with their underlying shame, and do the hard work necessary to create a healthier way of functioning. Their therapy is not easy for me either: I sometimes become the object of their rage.When they are not idealizing me or pretending to be nicer than they actually are, they are devaluing me. I have had to get used to being yelled at when something I say or do “triggers” them. But when the therapy works, it is all worth it.

I can not break down NPD causes and solutions in just one piece of writing but the next article will break it all down . Narcissists can be jerks most of the time but they need to be understood,helped and sadly sometimes cut off completely(especially if the relationship is abusive).Therapy works most effectively because it helps understand the real problem at a regulated pace.

anitahkanya@gmail.com https://mentalhealthawarenessacademy.wordpress.com/

Decade NOT Decayed

Pheeeeeeewwwww…. clenched fists, pretentious grins, lumpy throats, conversations with the man in black. Tough decade it has been! Can’t be all wrongs. No! To the wins that made you smile and the strangers that rekindled the flicker of joy, credit is due. You are Alive; whether free or captive, healed or still on the journey. Cut yourself the slack! You lived through the gravel. If I was your demon or your fear, I would dread your existence. Despite the fails and unresolved resolutions, you can proudly raise your head and say that you have a second shot which you, hopefully, will not miss – but even if you do, I pray you are alive enough to try again. Happy New Year.

Leaking roof

My cloud is always wet even in summer.Always spewing anxiety ,fear,worry,insecurity,uncertainty,OCD and feelings of disappointment forcing me to nearly give up my life /on life.

There’s two things everybody got to find out about on their own….love and living . No one is going to tutor you on how you will live and how you will love. It is not a question of destiny. Someone told me that some of these things we have to learn the hard way .

I have read a lot about mental health and all the possible solutions to the disarray in my mind because this mishmash is driving me crazy . I at some point think may be it is because my brain is not just going through all this but my body and entire life too is a pile of shambles .

There’s two things everybody got to find out about on their own….love and living . No one is going to tutor you on how you will live and how you will love. It is not a question of destiny. For love and living ,we have to learn the hard way .

As a kid I did not have the chance to be innocent, have fun,no stress,no worries and all those good things that kids enjoy. I am not trying to insinuate that my mother did not provide what I needed.No. And not in anyway ,am I trying to say I was not content with what she provided because I sure, as hell know she tried her best.I love you mum.

While everyone wants to be a kid again and be pampered ,I for one ca not say the same . I have not at one point in my life wanted to revisit my childhood because I do not see how such a wish would change my life anyway?!

Growing up in a poor family where your happiness was instigated by changes in weather.

The sun is very hot and food to eat is not as certain as the rest so you are happy when it rains and you can play in the rain to forget about all the hunger.By the time it stops raining you are very tired and sleepy so we call it a day.

I was always happy when it rained because there I knew I would not be chased from school for failure to pay school fees in time .That would give my mum an extra day to look for money.Win for me.

To clear the air my childhood was humbly melo and I am not complaining at all .It was the stage that taught me to find happiness in the small things.Contentment at its peak.Satisfaction regardless. Happiness in life ,hardships,rain,sunshine,wind,dust,animals and all those things that the modern day kid would find basic and boring.

Like I said I do not wish to become young again because all I ever wanted was to grow old and face life as a stronger woman .I have grown up to this level through gravel and there is no way you will convince me that becoming a kid all over again is any better.

Right now I am working on exploring as much as I can and doing the best I can out of my youth because it’s the only age that I am most likely going to miss when it’s gone. Because;

What’s the point of being young and cute if you think so little of yourself?! I have earned my spot up the totem pole and I like it here. I have mellowed out and I like it. Being young and dumb is cute but not safe. Not knowing how to fix a tire or fill out a tax return when you are young means you are always despondent on others help.

There is really a lot to enjoy about this age that I can close one eye and endure all the set backs .

Talk to you …..

Check on yourself as much as you check the gram. Most of you check your social media more than you check on yourselves. Now you are asking yourself but, I am me! I am always with myself! Yes I know that definitely ….but every morning you wake up do you sit down and reflect on your life? Or are you rushing for your phone to snoop on how everyone’s life is going on well but yours?!

Self meditation is highly essential for any human being regardless of how sane you think you are. Let me guess you have a very busy schedule that doea not give you time tobsit down and tell yourself all the positive things that you always google. It probably sounds like a dumb thing to do so you’d rather get all those sayings (which are sometimes unrealistic) from media. Having conversations with yourself is good for You and your inner self because those are the only two people that fully understand every bit of your being. You are the only one who understands how you feel. Instead of waking Up and going straight into life worries and social media “tea” why not check on yourself with questions like;

Hy …how am I?

Am I happy ?

If not why is that so?

Is the cause of my unhappiness external or internal, is it just me creating scenarios of sadness in my mind…..?

What am I going to do about it…the conversation will grown on and on…

I know it is you answering these questions but self awareness is very motivational and healthy. Social media will only lead you into comparisons with people who are not showing the sad part of their life. Keep it at the back of your mind that they are not you and their path is not the same as yours, their blessings are way different from yours. Be your own breed! No one posts their sadness and failures on here. Many people are on media to have a good time, it is more like they have found solace in a hopeless place.

Message from you to you

My life has been a series of doors in my face . I have tried having friends but all in vain .I have tried to explain my self in a mythological world but even the ones that seem to like me hate my story . I have not found anyone who can reason with me . I have not met anyone who can stretch their patience as much as God. So at this point it is the dark room, the maker and I.

It is very depressing when you try to blend in this life especially when you are a different species. You are going to be misunderstood may be half of your life.you are going to be judged all your life. And if you are a beggar like me , you better tighten your belt because the road is quite bumpy.

All my life , I have chosen to take the high road . Yesssss….the high road. I will tell you this again , “ there is no such thing as the right time .Never! But one thing for sure there is time and what you chose to do with it.” This has been the hardest choice of my life because it does not seem to give any results.

Growing up in a rush world ,you are going to meet people that are so dear to you but your choices will not let you be with them. One of my key principles is “though shall not let anyone or any misconceptions in this god damn world rush you.” I know it’s only a world that we are dumped in and there is a lot going on . There are many wrong things that everyone is doing .the bandwagon blind gold can not let them see it . I am not trying to justify my ways . I just find pleasure in being my own kind of human. And this right here is the reason I am going through a lot of pain . Yes a lot of it .

22years and still counting and hoping and dreaming . I know a girl from a very poor family. I don’t want to call it humble.Here we do not sugar coat . The girl is me. I have slept on the streets.I have been kicked out of the house with my mother and siblings.Not once by the way. I can not even count the times I was chased from school for failure to pay school fees. At some point it became a norm. Long story short , life has been complex.

For most who are like me , the high road was not high enough so they chose the dirty underground tunnels to get to the gold faster. For some it worked ,others died in the mine and the rest I am not sure.

Very many times you are going to feel like the world is moving so fast and without thought you will bump on your jogging shoes and run to catch up. I understand that FOMO (fear of missing out) is part of human nature. That is where the rare species comes in. The ones who question everything. The ones who ask the questions of the immortal:

Where are we going ?!

What are we going to do ?

Why are we going there ?

Well in the world I have grown up in …the rare species are often the weak ones and the YOLO ( you only live once ) so live for now species are the heroes. It buffles my mind how

what if !

GOOD VERSUS EVILS …..

For a long time now everyone knows that darkness stands for evil while light stands for good (symbolically thinking). The famous biblical quotation “darkness does not mix with light.” Not to sound blasphemous , but what if darkness makes light ? Well given the fact that many horrendous things happen at night fall….. who am i to say no ?

when i close my eyes at night, 
the war i just begun to fight, 
visions of lights disappear, 
and nightmares reappear, 
shriveling with fear, 
that my screams no one will hear, 
and all do god is near, 
the devil is right here.

Devastation wrought
In agonizing ill
Of God’s omnipotence
..Or..Satan’s will

Would…an Omnipotent God
Allow Satan’s power..then
Might the Devil himself
Be some necessary sin
And ‘good’….and ‘evil’
…Destiny’s course
Conceived and executed
..By that…Omnipotent Force

Author’s Note: 
‘Consequently, if you believe God made Satan, you must realize that all Satan’s power comes from God and so that Satan is simply God’s child, and that we are God’s children also. There are no children of Satan, really.’ 
― Anne Rice 
James B. Earley .. Maybe it is all made up in my mind.My mind is not even made up …….
I do not know much about this night and day theory .I have grown up seeing the sun rise and set , getting excited about the full moon and even happier when the stars were giving it company. I do not know much about the theory of good and bad or what is evil and what is not . I have grown up to the myths of good is for light and bad is for darkness.I am now a fully grown woman but life has taught me different . Not sure if am the bad student because my lessons still end up in the famous doubt of “what if” It is only in your tremulous moment that you will think of taking the risks you never thought you would.Your despondency will push you to the limit that your brain will look for the way to your soul’s freedom. No one gets thirsty on a rainy day. How will you know your limit if you do not stretch out? So this leaves me puzzled . Is darkness really dark??/////??????////

What if darkness is symbolic of hidden light?The light is there but you have to find it. What if darkness is actually the domino effect of light? You know how your is so bad that you can not wait for dusk so you can rest and wake up to a better day! May be if there was no night we would live the same day for ever.May be darkness is light but in a different color! It does not come dressed like royalty in shimmer and shine.The kind that does not come screaming “roses are red violets are blue” but rather, ” its dark in here and i do not know what to do.”It comes as hopelessness to usher you into full hope and self belief once you have overcome what you thought was impossible. Someone just said ,” all in all darkness is the darkness that you see before the light…” I am also re-reading this for the 100th time now.

So then back to what I was saying ……….dip your hand into that coal and light up your soul.