TOXIC KINDNESS

I knew a long time ago that “good people” were to be avoided like the plague……..

People have told me that I am nice and I recognize myself a bit in this description because I don’t get angry easily but when I do, I can get quite angry. Usually this is because I feel someone betrayed me or they don’t respect my boundaries.

That said, I’m not always nice because I don’t keep up a facade when I don’t want to do something or don’t feel like it at all. Usually it shows on my face, too.

If someone is too nice, you can be sure there is something festering underneath it all…

Nice people can be toxic. Specifically, the overly nice people I have known were extreme passive-aggressives. They act okay even when you say something that unintentionally sleights them or that they have misconstrued. They keep up the facade when they don’t want to, or they don’t really feel like it. They turn every kind gesture into a “duty” or “obligation”, only the recipient isn’t aware that this gift is handed over with a grudge or an expectation.

And you wonder, “How can this person be so nice? Certainly there’s something that bothers them.”

Then suddenly, they turn on you. On a dime. And your every little infraction is blown up into epic proportions, because they’ve been sitting on it for so long, letting it all fester. That kind of faux niceness is the worst type of deceit. People show you who they are? Well, not always, if they’re just too nice.

I have also noticed that people who others perceive as really positive, always in a good mood, are also hiding something. Usually they are hiding their insecurities and sadness underneath it all. I have met several people like it and to me, their happiness felt extremely fake. Reminds me of a scenario with someone I knew…..I was apparently doing something that kept pissing them off, and even when I asked them to name a time when I had done ‘said thing”, they couldn’t say. Meaning nothing was ever worked on because the communication wasn’t all there. Same with another person who eventually said that they felt pressured by my actions despite them saying they were okay. My advice for these people is to raise the issue ASAP, otherwise it can risk severing ties and losing trust. You have to establish your boundaries.

I had struggled personally with the idea that I was not a ‘genuinely’ nice person. I had to consider that, perhaps my behavior was meant only to influence people to view me as a kind person. Eventually I came to believe that I was kind, my actions over many years attested to that. I care about others feelings and strive to be a positive force in my little world. I try to embody the ideals I vouch for. A Kind or evil act is still such, despite ulterior motives. We are all human. Everyone has bad days. People generally do grow as individuals. An underlying behavioral disorder or mental cognitive issue could be the cause of atrocious actions. Kindness is not clearly defined, and has a nimiety of causes. Sexual offenders often buy gifts for the victims they are “grooming”. Courts can order convicted offenders to volunteer or provide community service. Companies do give-aways as a marketing strategy to increase their reach and sales but to the recipients all that is viewed as a kind gesture. In Counseling, patients can be encouraged to volunteer to help mitigate some symptoms of depression, so a mental health issue can be the cause for an act of kindness. I strongly believe that the measure of “kind” is subjective to each individual.

I think there’s also another kind of deceitful charmer we call the con-artist. They’re all love and light, rainbows and cotton candy, but it is all there just to get your trust, so that you are defenceless when the time comes for the sting. Once they have whatever it is they aree conning you out of, it is all arguments, justifications and a smoke-screen of confusion. I have seen this in business among patners as well as personal relationships. These ones…..SEE THEM RUN!

Kind regards to people who are genuinely nice and humane. I know there’s like three of you out there. Blessings.

A

One thought on “TOXIC KINDNESS

  1. Have we ever thought about how kind and nice people turn out to actually be toxic? If extremely kind and nice people tend to be toxic and aggressive in the long run, what do mean and unkind people turn out to be in the short and long run? Do mean and unkind people turn out to be the best type of human beings? I doubt but I am not conclusive.

    I have heard about stories of people who created terrible enemies by lending them money or other personal things. Let me elaborate: someone can hate the other because they owe them money, an accessory, an electronics, a house, motor vehicle, etc. Basically, because someone was so kind to let us say give the other money or material possession in a crisis, they turn out to be enemies-yes, sometimes debtors even change routes in the neighborhood to avoid the creditor. So, the moral is that some nice and kind people are conditioned and trained to be cynical and aggressive in the long run because they were kind to mean and dishonest people in the beginning; say they were damaged, if you will.

    You don’t give what you don’t have. You can only afford a pinch of kindness and niceness because you have the gene for the traits even though the selfish world strives to turn you into something terrible, and as you resist the external remolding, you are labelled aggressive, hypocritical, not genuine, transactional, etc. You were nice and kind to someone because you offered your good spirit and soul without expecting to be trampled on, and when it happens, you are shocked; it is your reaction to the shock that a manipulator uses as a weapon to dehumanize your intentions as “nice with bad motives”, but really? Consider a girl who brings in her boyfriend when he is facing a financial crisis, he later mistreats her in her own apartment, and then goes ahead to say that she gave him a place to stay because she planned to overly control him. It’s a scenario where a bad person tramples on kindness claiming bad motives.

    There is this old attitude: Bad guys finish first, nice guys finish last [eat the crumbs]. Is it effective? To some extent, it works because the bad guy recognizes very fast that the game is not in his favor and backs off, meaning his ability to move first puts the numbers game in his favor-many trials and failures result into more victories than the average score. On the other hand, the nice guy is chasing, and putting in effort which sometimes is received with contempt-he appears needy and desperate for being kind and nice.

    Retrospectively and unfortunately, all that bad guys and nice guys concept is unnatural. It is a historical and social construct that puts two parallel antagonistic mindsets into competition. The kind verses the mean. The patient verses the impatient.

    Broadly, It doesn’t rule out the fact that bad people can cast baits to capture their victims. Like bird hunters, bad people can lay traps with the victims’ favorite fantasy to trap them. But are these really nice or kind people? I doubt they can be termed as nice or kind. They can’t be called good people. They are called manipulators. They pretend to be nice when they are actually the most mean human beings. They manipulate the victim by pretending to be generous when they are the stingiest and most frugal.

    The objective conclusive idea would be that Niceness and Kindness are purely positive emotions and characteristics. However, they are subject to impersonation and manipulation. Manipulative and evil personalities impersonate as kind and nice to catch their victims.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s