Mortuary on Wheels

Previously on the walking dead………

They live amongst us . They are dressed as the most cheerful faces in the crowd yelling happiness is killing me .They wear the warmest smiles and carry the heartiest chortle.They give the most hope at just one look. They tell everyone it is going to be alright yet they don’t have the same hope for their situation . They look like they got their shit together , they look like nothing is bothering them . Its even worse when their skins and bodies look fine , when they have nice teeth , fine hair ,well built bodies with zero disability. It even gets to worst when they come from rich and well known families or have money to buy anything money can buy but peace of mind.

I will tell you this again , ” anger,resentment and jealousy do not change the heart of other people , they only damage yours.” It is in my experience that people are lot more sympathetic if they can see you hurting and for the millionth time in my life I wish for measles or smallpox or some other easily understood disease, leprosy may be, just to make it easier on me and on them.

I’ll tell you of a man who with all the money in the world could not buy a peace of mind . I’ll tell you of a girl whose body shape ,skin color and smile were every young adolescent’s dream but she still cried to the maker for lack of repose . I’ll tell you about a princess who’s life ,from every little girl’s perspective is a beautiful dream but in her own she wished she could just live like any other ordinary human free from loyal conservatism and protocol. I’ll tell you of a man who had a lot of land, money and wisdom but could give it up for a peace of mind.

You will find them walking on these streets like any other may be looking even healthier than the rest but their soul , their mind , their inner-self is chanting …….. “if i can’t feel , if i can’t move, if i can’t think, if i can’t care !? then what conceivable part is there to life ??” The chime of lost hope because no one in this world can understand how a rich ,jolly middle aged woman in her early twenties (with no children or two utmost) can be in so much pain to such an extent of wanting to take her physical life. I call it physical because the inner is gone. Rest In Peace. The irony!!!!

Most of these people have slowly learnt how to hide their misery in the hope that it will go away if they do not pay attention to it . For a few of us it is working magic but there is always those moments of flash back in every movie and that’s how depression hits you like a fresh memory of an ex you truly loved but it did not work out and you’ll never be the same again. But depression is not a sudden disaster.It is more like a cancer; At first its tumorous mass is not even noticeable to the plain eye, and then one day -boom-the huge, deadly big-boned lump clotted in your brain or you heart or your stomach or your shoulder blade, and this thing that your own body has produced is actually trying to kill you. The funny bit of it is that you will not see it coming, you’ll be tricked into thinking it’s a normality,may be something about getting older,something that all grown ups go through and then one day you’ll realize that your whole life is not only awful but also fucked,worthless,a horror and a black blot on the white terrain of human existence ( definitely not my words)

It is a lot like that : slowly ,over the years , the data will accumulate in your heart and mind , a computer program for total negativity will build into your system, making life feel more and more unbearable

Don’t let life fuck you up .It is yours.It’s yours to drive .Get up in the morning and think about what you are going to do in the day .Be happy on your way to your job even if you don’t like it. You gotta be happy on your way to happy don’t think you are going to get there and be happy. You carry yourself with you.You can’t afford to lose yourself on the way because you’ll need yourself when you get there. Damn right you will!

The maker was calm , kind , and generous , but nature instills violence in our bones. We are torn between living in a man’s world and choosing to join heavenly tranquility. Why are we so scared of death yet we want it so much . Like a young virgin so proud to be a full bloom flower yet scared of the pain of being stripped off thine innocence because that is the only way to bring to life mo

Somewhere inside you is that free person I am talking about. Locate her and let her do some good in the world. Do not sit on that super power.

My Tribute to Toni Morrison
Rest well Queen …….
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No I have not ……

I’d definitely be telling lies if i told you that i have got grip of the specific solution to your distress ………I have really tried but it all comes back to our starting point which is you .

I for one , cant tell you that seeing a psychologist is going to help you stop feeling the pain that you are feeling .No! But at the same time I will tell you to seek help .Yes! So this is how its going to work .

You will go to a therapist and tell them your situation and they will tell you all these stories that your sensible friends have failed to shape in a more convincing way. If its that bad ,pills will be prescribed for you and for a given time you’ll feel better. I think am starting to sound like an enemy of progress. But in all this I hope you see what am seeing ;

I hope you realize that it is going to start with you understanding that;

” oh i have a problem ,let me go to a therapist,let me google the cause,what do i do? , let me seek help, why am i sleepless,why am i having suicidal thoughts?, why am i sad,why don’t i enjoy the things i used to enjoy before,why am i like this????”

Am going to quote the exact words my friends used to describe how doing what they love to do has helped them deal with any mental health issues that are getting in the way of their happiness.

Martha

“I personally have myself and my workout routine. I have always loved it though consistency was a problem because i would assume that am busy and of-course not forgetting my lazy “ass”. I guess i can officially say that working out is my pill. Zero side effects . Its the one thing that i do and i feel accomplished both soul and body.

SHORT STORY : ” I have been doing two weeks straight of morning jogging and evening gym and i have never felt this successful.Consistency is the hardest thing ever but I feel so good every time i am done, I feel like i cant give up now,, and it makes me feel less stressed at work or by any other life challenges. Choose something you love doing and do it.You do not need any emotional support to do it. Once you commit to doing something you love ,it gives life more sense and keeps your mind away from most of the things that worry you. You feel like you have accomplished something and pushes you towards overcoming the other barriers

Lace up and get to work!!!!!

Jolly;

” Well doing make up is a skill i have acquired with time from learning and love for beauty.It gives a mild orgasm to see the end result of what my hands can do to a basic face and make it spectacular.I have problems of insatiable ego may be perhaps because everyone seems to be catching up with their lives and i feel kinda left out . For me , this is quite sad but hey …i have my make up kit and we make a good ‘collabo’ so i can try out different looks ranging from new, hideous, natural, artistic etc. Being an introvert , I constantly got thoughts of not being loved because i am very bad at associating with people which keeps me away most times. I am not he most affable person but i can gladly say that i have found a friend in my skills because now people come to me to do their make up and for the fact that am talking about something that i love to do , its easier for me to hold conversations. This in-turn makes me feel credible in life and makes life worth living. I do not talk to [people very often but i love to look beautiful and to make people look beautiful.

lets say am generous , I love sharing beautiful moments regardless of the fact that I do not know how to do it . I used to eat a lot when i felt lonely , stressed and angry which made me gain a lot of weight and you know what comes with feeling obese . I would completely cut out on people and throw pity parties , wishing i was as skinny as my friends,felt less beautiful and hated my own body because i could hardly fit in my clothes . I know many girls out there are struggling with body shaming but hell no! I have found a love to make me busy , feel beautiful and of worth and boom guess what I do what i love instead of feeling lonely and eating a lot to take away my pain . This has in-turn reduced my weight gain , I earn money from my skills and i make people feel beautiful without saying a word . Show me better therapy!

You look happier …….when you do what you love .
I started with loving beauty …..beauty is not only in your shape …beauty is in your heart , your passion , your willingness to love ,your hands ….hold your happiness because it belongs to you ….

Euphoria In The Dark.

I walk into the room and instantly break into formidable agony. I look across the street , laughing ; my mouth curved into an excellent grin for a world baffled with too much light yet so deem.The SUN. I love her rays that collide with my feeble skin through my bathroom ventilation on a motive to dry my tears that keep my soul alive in the furnace of this pain. It’s okay.

But you don’t look depressed ! To everyone else ,I got my “shit” together but the walls of my condo would say otherwise.They watch the episodes of my life that the world know not.At dawn , I let my friend in “yellow” in while the shower waters my plants , every sprout out is living hope that the “giver” has not given up.

They (the walls) watch me coil up in my favorite corner , arms around my legs with my very big forehead touching my knees.I can feel the arc of my bony vertebral get more tense at the thought of my never ending remorse. My body folded so tight I guess it looks like a fat boxer’s clenched fist. My nights are long yet short of sleep.My pillow and I are in a long distance relationship but whenever we meet it’s always tight grips and a tsunami. I have witnessed people go through the worst and hold themselves up but my gut thinks dying in my sleep would be justice . Does heaven charge souls for murder because i have killed a girl once or twice!!

” But i wish i could i could talk ,i wish i could gather the courage to talk hope into my crumbling soul,if only i could teach me the love that everyone else seems to enjoy, i wish i could say to me in a less shaky voice , ‘i got you’ “

This is me understanding that just because life has contradicted my expectations; does NOT make it less meaningful.This is the way it was supposed to happen,a catastrophe like no other . This is me coming to terms with life’s lemons and trying to make my lemonade taste its best.These journeys might never meet . Yet again they might, that’s what’s beautiful about it – I have had a glimpse of what life can be if I just take a chance – I don’t need to have it all planned out .

There is such a thing like ‘mental health’…..

Mental health can affect anyone at almost any age(more rapid among the youth between 14 and 30) ; even those who appear to live in relatively ideal circumstances . There is not a confirmed cause (because they vary from one person to another) but it is , so far, the leading cause of disability worldwide ,and is a major contributor to overall global burden of disease . At its worst it can lead to suicide.

As per World Health Organisation statistics ,more than 300 million people of all ages suffer from depression”

DisorderShare of global population with disorder (2017)[difference across countries]Number of people with the disorder (2017)Share of males:females with disorder (2017)
Any mental or substance use disorder13%[11-18%]970 million12.6% males13.3% females
Depression3.4%[2-6%]264 million2.7% males4.1% females
Anxiety disorders3.8%[2.5-7%]284 million2.8% males4.7% females
Bipolar disorder0.6%[0.3-1.2%]46 million0.55% males0.65% females
Eating disorders(clinical anorexia & bulimia)0.2%[0.1-1%]16 million0.13% males0.29% females
Schizophrenia0.3%[0.2-0.4%]20 million0.26% males0.25% females
Alcohol use disorder1.4%[0.5-5%]107 million2% males0.8% females
Drug use disorder (excluding alcohol)0.9%[0.4-3.5%]71 million1.3% males0.6% females

Mental disorder is different from the normal changes in mood, short-lived sadness and emotional reactions towards daily life provocations. It is more of a perpetual kind of situation. The kind (panic disorder,PSTD,SADS,pain,anxiety,bipolar disorder) that comes with moderate or severe intensity and goes on for quite a long time and might instigate inklings of suicide ,fear,resentment,worthlessness among many others. Mental health/ mental disorder does not necessarily mean madness. It affects even the most sane of beings.

THERE IS HOPE

It is okay to be afraid but it is not okay “not to ” put up a fight. If you have depression, the monstrosity of living or anything close to it overwhelms you. This is not something to make peace with, it is a natural part of the process of getting better,becoming a stronger version of yourself. No one said it was going to be easy .It’s going to take some time but even less if you start now. twesimartha@gmail.com

It is so hard to talk when you want to kill yourself . That above and beyond everything else,and its not a mental complaint-its a physical thing ,like its physically hard to open your mouth and make words come out.

They don’t come out smooth and in conjunction with your brain the way normal people’s words do; they come out in chunks as if from a crushed-ice dispenser; you stumble on them as they gather behind your lower lip.

We hope that you now have enough light on what this blog is going to be about. As we go on to share we will be talking about therapy for depression and mental health and sharing different stories that we have gathered . Feel free to share and comment your views in the comments section or email us through anitahkanya@gmail.com

Depression broken down.

Depression  refers to feelings of despondency and dejection.

There are various types of depression some of which I will explain below :

“Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad.”

Major Depressive disorder:

This is a common serious medical illness that negatively affects how you feel ,think and act.

It comes along with various effects ranging from :

  • Loss of interest both sexually physical
  • Weight loss or gain depending on one’s body reaction to depression
  • Lack of sleep or sleeping a lot and not feeling refreshed
  • Restlessness and agitation/slow/sluggish feels both physically and mentally
  • Feeling low on energy
  • Feeling worthless or guilty
  • Trouble in decision making
  • Suicidal thoughts /fear of death

“There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds .”

Persistent Depressive disorder:

This can also be called dysthymia (low grade) chronic major depression .It is not as severe as major depression .Your current depressed mood may be mild ,moderate or severe .You may lose interest in normal daily activities ,feel hopeless,lack of productivity,and have low self-esteem and an overall feeling of inadequacy.

These feelings last for over years and may significantly interfere with your relationships, school,and daily activities.

“I didn’t wake up. I was having a much better time asleep . And that’s really sad. It was almost like a reverse nightmare , like when you wake up from a nightmare you’re so relieved . I woke up into a nightmare.” Ned Vizzin

Bipolar Disorder

This disorder is characterised by unpredictable and severe random changes in mood ….These moods range from extremely ‘up’ ,elated and energised behavior (known as the manic episodes) to very sad ‘down’ or hopeless periods (known as depressive episodes).

Less severe/regulated manic periods are known as hypomic episodes.

This disorder goes on for a long time but one can regulate their mood or seek medical help from a psychotherapist if it is very bad .

“Reason with yourself when you have lost your reason.”

“I believe that words are strong that they can overwhelm what we fear when fear seems more awful than life is good.”

Seasonal affective disorder (SAD):

A mood disorder characterised by depression that occurs at the same time every year. Changes in seasons.

“Losing your life is not the worst thing that can happen .

The worst thing that can happen is to lose your reason to live “

Panic disorder:

Random phase of intense fear or anxiety and physical symptoms , based on a perceived threat rather than imminent danger .

It comes with sweating ,chest pain,feelings of palpitations ( unusually strong irregular heart beats) chocking or heaving like a mini heart attack.

” The person in whom it’s invisible agony reaches a certain unbearable level will take their life the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from a window of a burning highrise.”

Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing spectatively at the same window just checking out the view.The fear of falling still remains constant. The variable here is the other terror,the fire flames: when the flames get close enough,falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two Terri’s.it is not desiring the fall; it is the terror of the fire .

And yet nobody down on the sidewalk looking up and yelling “Don’t” and “Hang on”, can understand the jump . Not really .You’d have to have personally been trapped and felt flames to really understand a terror way beyond falling. @Wallace

Psychotic Depression:

“The so-called ‘psychotically depressed’ person who tries to kill herself doesn’t do so out of sheer ‘hopelessness’ or any abstract conviction that life’s assets and debits do not square.And surely not because death seems suddenly appealing.

Mental health is so much more complicated than any pill that any mortal could invent.”

About our Trio

All this while I have been looking for people who think in my line until a week ago when I talked to a friend (Martha) who also had a friend (Hifu) ….now my user name should make sense already……

Martha,Hifu and I are three “females” who are passionate about minding people’s business. Oh yes our main aim is to enter into the business of individuals who are going through any kind of mental health ranging from stress ,anxiety,pain,panic attacks etc

From our findings like we’ll inform all of you as we move this journey , we have discovered that the phrase “mind your own business” has left very many people trapped in their agony afraid to talk to someone since everyone is supposed to be in their business .

We want to use this platform to change mindsets , perspectives and restore as much hope as we can. We want to help someone out there know that someone somewhere has been through what they think will kill them and they did not die but rather found solutions .

Feel free to share interact or contact us if you want your story published or need any help.

Thank you .